I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
