When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
