Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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