chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm really busy with my period
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