I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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