I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
