I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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