Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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