White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
