Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
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you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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