you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
