Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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