it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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