Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
