So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
