Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
