you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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