I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize