I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
