Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
