Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
