the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
