ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
