I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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