Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
