it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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