Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
