theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
