where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
