these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
