Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
