We're like a lot better than the average bears
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
