Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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