Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
