New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
