my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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