is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was confusing and full of hummus
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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