i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
