I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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