Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
