Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
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We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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