my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
