He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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