So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
