Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
