oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
