I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
