i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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