I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
