I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
