I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
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I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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