On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
